Random Musings: excerpts from a forgotten journal

Crappy Movie Makes Me Maudlin (June 3, 2011)

It’s an awful realization to know that you need someone. An earlier version of me would scoff at this kind of nonsense but it’s hard to admit to one self that they need companionship – the kind that simulates heart palpitations and giddy moments of embarrassments. It is the feeling of knowing that someone will give a crap or at least understands the labyrinths and heartaches of one’s own dilemmas.

I saw Something Borrowed today. It’s the kind of movie I avoid. It’s complete garbage, but it induces a certain feeling of what-ifs. I choose to be in the position I am in because I tell myself that I don’t have the time or the energy to be with someone. I’m focused on something else and would rather expend energy on something I believe would benefit me more in the long run. Yet, some nights, I ponder at the possibility of being with someone again, imagining myself in a different situation. My imagination amalgamates every romantic movie I’ve ever seen and plunks me as its heroine. Pheromones and endorphins rush inside my brain and, momentarily, it makes me happy. I feel content at that specific moment; however, it’s the after that makes it painful. Fantasy is like a drug – short-lived and bad for you. When I can’t pretend anymore, I read until I fall asleep.

There are days when I feel left out. I hate feeling left out. Who doesn’t right?! I can’t stand the sight of PDAs and I want to hurl tomatoes at every happy ending ever created. I hate how I see couples making gaga eyes at each other — I’m talking to all the teenagers out there — or when I’m at the supermarket and I can see couples pretending to look at fruit or cereal or milk or laundry detergent. Who hangs out at the laundry detergent aisle for more than a minute?! NO ONE! These couples have a certain zing, a tension, surrounding them. They’re so sweet my teeth hurt from looking at them. Or when I (pretend to) jog and I see old chinese couples holding hands as they walk slow and sure around the track. There’s a serenity and comfort in their mannerisms. There is no immediacy in their actions as if they communicate telepathically.

Like I said it’s a situation of my own making, and I know it’s up to me change it, but (damn it!), sometimes, I want the universe to at least give me some slack. Bludgeon me with a sign or nudge me to a direction. It’s not too much to ask, I think.


About carouselcalvo

poetry, prose, random musings
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One Response to Random Musings: excerpts from a forgotten journal

  1. Romance is a time-consuming endeavour. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d rather spend my time maintaining strong friendships.

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